22.1.19 – Body Image and Birthday Pics

Hello all ^_^

I hope you all managed to beat blue Monday and have woken up feeling more positive about the rest of the week, if not stick around for some fun preview pictures at the end which are bound to put a smile on your face.

First of all though, I want to talk about body image. Specifically my own. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning to discuss the possibility of a breast reduction. Which is something I’ve kind of half considered for a while now but I still have a lot of conflicting emotions about it.

So I figured I’d share my thoughts with you ^_^

(if you’d rather skip to the pretty pictures that’s fine x)

Body Image

Being a curvy human this isn’t exactly a new topic for me. Body image and body confidence has been something I’ve struggled with and fought to push into the positive over the years. Tending to advocate the “fake it ’til you make it” mind set. Which was part of what lead me to modelling. In my journey to boost my self confidence I had began by taking as many selfies and outfit pictures as possible. Constantly trying to force my brain into seeing the positives instead of getting bogged down on the “negatives”. And it worked (for me).

My confidence grew, I started being more adventurous with my outfits, hair and makeup and eventually began to look at modelling as the next step.

Modelling, however, was an entirely different kettle of fish and it’s taken me until now (around 2 years) to really get comfortable with myself in front of the camera. Not to say that I wasn’t enjoying myself, I’ve loved every shoot (more or less) I’ve had. It just took some time for me to develop my confidence in my posing and such.

But that’s not really what I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about my boobs. I want to talk about the fact that a lot of my confidence has been built on the attention I’ve always gotten because of my breasts. From the age of 13/14 I had people* compliment me on my breasts so naturally I tended to see them as one of my best features and relied on them to feel good about myself.

(* to be clear these were people my own age)

However, as anyone with large breasts will likely have already told you, having large breasts isn’t always so great. I have near constant back and shoulder pain. Exercising feels impossible and very uncomfortable. All of my bras are a minimum of £30 and I can only get them from one specific shop. Clothes shopping in general is hellish at times, having to size up so something fits over my breasts but then hangs off the rest of me. Having to deal with the fact that I can’t wear certain fashion trends without getting told that I “can’t wear that”: boob tubes, going bra-less, glitter tits and virtually anything someone with a smaller chest gets to do in summer.

So the obvious solution is to make my breasts smaller, right?

Except that; 1. that costs a fortune if I can’t get it on the NHS, 2. the healing time after surgery would affect my ability to work (which when you’re self employed is a huge deal) and 3. so much of my self confidence comes from my breasts.

My fear is that I’ll get a breast reduction and then less people will find me attractive.

Plain and simple. Obviously I know my response should be “it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it’ll make you happier”. But it’s hard to do that sometimes.

When so much of your confidence has been built on one aspect of yourself and then you consider changing it…it’s been difficult for me to try and deal with. For the last 10-ish years of my life the majority of the positive attention my body received was due to my breasts. I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle a negative response to having their size reduced. I’m worried it’ll cost me patrons/fans/subscribers. I’m worried it’ll mean I get less modelling work/opportunities. I’m worried the people closest to me won’t see me the same way – which is especially stupid but it’s still a worry I have.

But if I don’t get a reduction, I’ll continue living in pain and my breasts will get saggy and blah blah blah old age and gravity etc.

To give an idea of how much I feel I need to have large breasts I figured I’d give you an example of something I used to say and to an extent still think. When I was younger and we were learning about breast cancer, I said I would rather die than lose my breasts. And I meant it. Can you imagine that? Being so utterly convinced that 2 sacks of fat on your chest were worth dying for? Although that’s leading us into a slightly heavier topic that I’m not quite prepared to delve into right now.

So yeah, I’m having a little bit of a hard time getting my brain to stay logical about the whole thing. I’m hoping that after chatting with the doctor I’ll be able to look at things more clearly and then take whatever the next step is with confidence.

I know that was a bit long, haha but don’t you worry, we’re finishing on a happier note!

Birthday Pics

So if you follow me on Twitter then you’ll already know that we’re onto the final birthday photo set – it’s being released to my OnlyFans this week!

This set is called “Candles and Cake” and was shot by the ever wonderful @radiomoths aka Lee Jones. It’s a super fun photo set but it’s definitely not safe for work haha.

With colourful drips coating my body just before we blow out the candles, it’s a set you won’t want to miss ^_^

Here’s a super sneaky preview to tempt you x

cnc preview 4
Preview for “Candles and Cake” by Lee Jones aka @radiomoths

Published by bluemerkitten

Aspiring alternative model and typical blue haired mermaid/kitten (merkitten).

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